Top Gear

It’s been a year of new experiences for me. I graduated college, I got a new car, for the first time since I was three I don’t have to go to class, I shunned NASCAR for the far superior Formula 1, I started watching the Volkswagen Jetta TDI series, and I watched some of the Petit Le Mans series on SPEED…

Are you noticing a trend here? I am more into cars than I’ve ever been. I’ve always been a bit of a nerd. I have never been much of a gear head or grease monkey. About the only thing I know how to do on a car is fill the gas tank when it reaches E. I’ve changed a tyre once in my life, and that was by necessity.

But something new has happened… well, not exactly new, it’s been around for ages, only I’ve just now discovered the greatness of it, and, much like Formula 1, I’m hooked.

It’s called Top Gear. Before we go any further, Robert, stop smirking, you knew this day would come. See, Robert over at Skewed has been a fan of Top Gear for longer than I’ve known him. And when I told him the other day that I was started to like the show, he actually groaned in dismay. Apparently (and I was unaware of this fact) the BBC produces Top Gear for the sole viewing pleasure of Robert Rennie.

But Top Gear is a beautiful show. The hosts are Jeremy Clarkson, Richard “The Fridge Magnet Hamster” Hammond, and James May (pictured from left to right above). Watching these three interact is about like watching paint dry, only it’s far funnier, and they typically damage reasonably priced vehicles… unless they damage very expensive vehicles.

Once upon a time, not so long ago, in fact, it was probably about a month ago, I couldn’t tell you anything about a car engine. Then I spent most of last night talking to my dad about the Audi RS6 Estate Car, with a 5 litre V10 engine with twin turbochargers, clocking in at 572 horsepower and a top speed governed at 155 miles per hour, but ungoverned on the Autobahn the Audi test pilots have had it over 200mph.

Watching Clarkson fly around the track in a Ferrari Scuderia was a blast. Watching the The Stig do it, even better, because the Stig drives like a Thomas Kincaid painting, it looks better and better, no matter what light you put it in.

The boys of Top Gear have their own test track, their own tame driver (The Stig), and a seemingly endless revenue flow from the producers. Richard Hammond is the heartthrob, according to pretty much every female that watches the show. Jeremy Clarkson is the comic relief. And James May looks like he smokes a doobie before going out on stage every show.

One week the boys’ll be burning down a car wash (yes, they actually burned down a £1 million car wash), the next week they’ll take five supercars and race them against each other with only one gallon of petrol (we call that gas). One of the best moments was when they took on the challenge of proving that, in the 1970s, British Leyland actually did make a good car. All three failed in hilariously spectacular fashion.

I really enjoyed watching as they were each given 1000 quid and told to buy a used car that would serve as the new British police car. Jeremy Clarkson showed up with a Fiat Coupe, James May with a Lexus, and Richard Hammond in a salon… I mean, a Suzuki Vitara.

Hammond outfitted his ride with more blue lights than the entire metropolitan police force of London, and with a “stinger,” which was just a doormat with nails through it, wrapped around a tire so that, if Hammond were to stop suddenly, the “stinger” would deploy and act as a spike strip.

Clarkson put spike on his rear tyres, sticking out to puncture the tyres of a fleeing criminal, or to takes the legs off of pedestrians.

May’s moment of brilliance included putting paint guns along the back of his car to spray the windshield of a criminal. He forgot, unfortunately, about the windshield wipers.

It’s fun. It’s informative. My knowledge of cars has essentially doubled just from watching a few episodes. The “Star in a Reasonably Priced Car” bit is usually quite funny. The intros for the Stig get better each episode. Some say he’s had to give up binge drinking now that it’s up to one pound a litre. Some say that after making love he bites the head off his mate. He is… the Stig.

Top Gear just might be my new favorite show.