Professor Sanjay's Wacky Fun Class

This entry is given to Sanjay, seeing as my last post made everyone mad enough to not even comment, but to physically beat me up whenever they saw me. Take it away, Sanjay.

Alright, class, take your seats. Professor Sanjay here to explain away some of those pesky questions you kids keep bringing to my office. And please, remember that my office hours are Monday and Wednesday from 10:30 to noon.The first question was brought by my office last week and I still don't know how anyone could even think of this. It follows:

THEOREM: All horses have an infinite number of legs.
The theorem may seem intuitively obvious to some, but in the interest of rigor we will give a complete proof. We begin with two Lemmas:
Lemma 1: All horses are the same color. Proof: We use the Principle of Mathematical Induction on the number, n, of horses. Clearly, one horse is the same color, so the Lemma is true for n=1. Now assume k horses are the same color, and consider k+1 horses. If we remove any one horse, we are left with k horses, which, by hypothesis, are all the same color. Since we removed an arbitrary horse, all k+1 horses are the same color.
Lemma 2: If a number is both even and odd, then it is infinite. Proof: Let n be a number which is both even and odd, and assume n is finite. As an even number, n = 2a for some integer a, and as an odd number, n = 2a+1. Thus 2a = 2a+1, whence 0 = 1. This contradiction establishes Lemma 2. Proof of Theorem: All horses have forelegs in front and two in back, so that all horses have six legs. Now six is an even number, but six is clearly an odd number of legs for a horse to have. Thus the number of legs on a horse is both even and odd, and so by Lemma 2 it must be infinite. You say, "But my horse has four legs." That, however, is a horse of a different color, which by Lemma 1 does exist.

First, off, we all know that this is a load of scientific rubbish. Anyone can look at a horse and see that it has four legs. If you can't count to four, then you might as well quit. But I have to hand it to the boring person who figured this out. The math checks out, now go back to smoking your ganja.

THEOREM 2: You've never touched anything.
This one is interesting. The theorem states that, because everything that exists is made of atoms, and atoms themselves are composed of a nucleus of protons and neutrons encircled by a cloud of negatively charged electrons, then nothing as ever touched anything. How? The negative charge of the electron cloud keeps to atoms of touching. Remember, electrons move so fast that it is impossible to know either where they are or where they are going. Let me rephrase that. You can either know where an electron is, or where it is going, but not both, because the mere existence of one precludes the knowledge of the other. It's like this, if you know exactly where something is, then the object in question can be given no measurable speed, but if you instead give an object a measurable speed, you cannot give a precise location, only a path. So electrons are moving so fast that they are everywhere and nowhere within an atom's electron cloud. If that is so, then the negative charge will repel any other atom, thought certainly with varying degrees of repulsion. You think you're sitting at a computer right now? Wrong, you're floating less than 1/billionth of an inch above the chair. You never strike the keys of a keyboard when typing, you merely register the force of the atomic repulsion, which in turns presses the individual keys down. You never touch the ground when you walk, it is again the less than 1/billionth of an inch principal. Almost enough to make you wonder about everything.

Alright class, fun times. I'll see you next week, we'll be having a quiz over the Roman Empire.