The NFL and Offensive Team Names

Fifty United States Senators have signed a letter to the NFL asking the league to forcibly change the name of one of its franchises. The Washington R-Words (I’m not using the actual name, as it is apparently so offensive it drives small children to commit heinous crimes and makes the elderly weep uncontrollably) are the franchise in question. In this Politically-Correct-at-all-costs society we are driving towards, anything that can be deemed offensive must be removed from the public sphere.*

(*: Except, of course, celebrations of abortion, or references to non-Christian religions. Christianity and pro-life speech is right out.)

After all, the term “R-Word” is a slang term applied to the indigenous peoples of North America during the early 17th century, as European settlers were migrating westward. The true origin of the term is lost in the mists of history.

Is that less offensive?

This debate seems to spring up every few years, and so far the league has been somewhat slow to force change. I can, in a way, understand the league’s hesitancy in the matter. Should the league and the team decide a name-change is appropriate, which looks likely this time, as the calls for change have more support than ever before, then there is a way in which the league needs to handle it in order to prevent further outside assaults. Otherwise, I fear a string of never-ending lawsuits in which PETA charges that any team with an animal nickname is exploitative of animal rights and must therefore change their name.

Or the San Francisco 49ers name is indicative of those who exploit the Earth for personal gain, which is a huge no-no among the educated and erudite liberal elites of these modern times. Or the Oakland Raiders could be accused of having a name that glorifies criminality, which is a poor example to the children. The same theory goes for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

The New Orleans Saints? Oh, no…no, no, no…we can’t have spirituality glorified in the public eye. “Saint” carries with it a connotation of Christianity. As we all know, Christianity is not allowed in public, especially with so prominent an organization as a city’s NFL franchise. (At least until the NFL truly gains a foothold in Europe and New Orleans is relocated to the Vatican. Then you have the Vatican City Saints. [The alternative being Arizona relocates to the Vatican, giving you the Vatican City Cardinals.]) Following the vein of the religious, we have the Tennessee Titans. The Titans were the earlier Greek gods deposed by Zeus and his cronies. While not Christian, it never hurts to simply remove all religion from public if possible.

The Dallas Cowboys? Look, if we’re changing the Washington R-Words because it is offensive to Native Americans, then surely this name is just as offensive to those same Native Americans, right? The New York Giants? That’s discrimination based on size, which simply cannot be tolerated. The New England Patriots? Everyone knows “patriot” is just a code word for white supremacist. The Minnesota Vikings? Surely everyone in Iceland and the entirety of Scandinavia is offended by that one.

The Pittsburgh Steelers? Obviously an homage to the city’s past and the rise of the steel industry. Still, this name celebrates capitalism, which is simply not a fair system, as some people are able to get more stuff than others. The Cleveland Browns? Really? Do I even need to explain this one to you?

Okay, for those of you who didn’t catch on earlier, this is a joke. No, the letter about changing the team’s name is real. Never mind the staggering debt we’re incurring as a nation. Never mind the fact that we still have soldiers overseas in what are basically combat zones. Never mind that the United States Department of Agriculture is requisitioning body armor and sub-machine guns. Never mind that we have congressmen telling us that the crime rate in El Paso, Texas is proof positive that “communism works.” No, thank the Lord above we have half the Senate worried about the fact that someone could be offended by the name of an NFL team.

Oh, and if you hear Senate Democrats boasting about how no Republicans joined them in condemning this awfully offensive name, remember this: They never showed this letter to the Senate Republicans.