Video Game Soundtracking

I've always liked to listen to music while playing games, especially if I'm not a huge fan of the game's music. Super Mario 64, while one of my favorite games, had some of my least favorite music. I would always play some CD while playing this game, and I even had favorite songs for certain levels. What follows is my Super Mario 64 soundtrack.

Bob-omb Battlefield: Death Defied by Will by Eagle-Eye Cherry- Great song, good to start off the game, as everything is geared to kill you, and it's only by rushing headlong into the danger that you can survive.
Whomp's Fortress: Clumsy by Our Lady Peace- I'm a big OLP fan, and this song soothes me, especially in this level, especially considering that many of the stars in this level are balanced over death-filled drops.
Jolly Roger Bay: Ruby Soho by Rancid- Good, solid punk song with a few moments of rest, very symbolic of this stage of the game.
Cool-Cool Mountain: Christmas Eve Sarajevo by Trans-Siberian Orchestra- Best Christmas song ever (well, maybe not) and it fits this level to perfection.
Bowser Battle #1: I'm Sorry by Blink 182- The first Bowser battle requires an upbeat sad song, because the level is precarious, dark, and depressing.
Big Boo's Haunt: Sex & Candy by Marcy Playground - You've heard this song, and you know it. It's one of the most recognizable soungs from the 1990s, and it's haunting melody goes hand-in-hand with the Haunt.
Hazy Maze Cave: Jesus Nightlight by Eve 6 - Slower paced, relaxing song, really fits the darkness of this level.
Lethal Lava Land: Fuel by Metallica - Fast, and that's what you have to be. Also, the fifth stage of this level unlocks a rideable shell making for even faster travel.
Shifting Sand Land: Keep 'em Separated by The Offspring- The Egyptian sounding guitar riff at the beginning of the song is enough to win it a spot for this level.
Dire Dire Docks: Thanks a Lot by Third Eye Blind- Listen to the song while playing this level and you'll see why I chose it.
Bowser Battle #2: (New Wave) Polly by Nirvana- Fast, heart-pounding music to drive you through a tricky fire-laden level and up to your second meeting with the big bad.
Snowman's Land: Soul to Squeeze by Red Hot Chili Peppers - You'd think "Snow" would be my RHCP choice here, but it hadn't been released when I was playing this game, but STS is my favorite RHCP song, and it works for this level.
Wet-Dry World: The Show Must Go On by Queen- One of my all-time favorite songs. Queen's theatrical song adds a new level of drama to this two-part stage.
Tall, Tall Mountain: Never-ending Story Theme by New Found Glory- Almost interchangable with God of Wine for the Rainbow Ride level, this song nicely fits the pace of the mountain.
Tiny Huge Island: Disarm by Smashing Pumpkins- This song doesn't particularly fit the level, just one part of it, where you must break into a worm's cave and kill the worm, even though he has done you no harm.
Tick Tock Clock: Hook by Blues Traveler- Relaxing song with a soulful guitar and harmonica rythm, perfect for the controlled chaos of the clock.
Rainbow Ride: God of Wine by Third Eye Blind- Awesome song, sums up this level very well. There's something about this song than encapsulates the precarious nature of this level. Also, two 3EB songs on the soundtrack.
Ultimate Bowser Battle: To Live is to Die by Metallica - Yeah, I know, two Metallica songs on one soundtrack. Well, this mostly instrumental song perfectly sums up this battle. And if you win at just the right point in the song you'll get a scene that even Hollywood couldn't screw up.

Surreality

Thursday I learned something. We all know about the Cold War... most of us grew up with it, around it, or were born during it. We knew that the USSR was secretly peering over Alaska to see what we were doing, and they knew that we were looking right back at them. We all understood the concept of MAD. For those of you playing the home game, that's "Mutually Assured Destruction." We knew, as well as did Russia, that if one weapon was launched, both nations would empty their arsenals, raining unholy terror on each other until not even a blade of grass was left. We could do it, so could they.

Funny, though, that the genesis of the Cold War is never fully explained in high school. Of course, Americans tend to look at everything through a shattered mirror or perfection. We think that it's always the other guy's fault. We didn't start the Cold War, the Soviets did. They don't care who they kill, we at least attack truly military targets.

Well, my friend, I learned something. See in the mid-1940s our good friend Franklin D. Roosevelt went down to Georgia and kicked ye olde bucket while in the Peach State. The subsequent scramble left Harry "Give 'em Hell" Truman in office.

A quick aside: the United States had been pursuing atomic weaponry for some time, spending on the order of $2 Billion (yup, with a big fat "B") on the project. FDR knew about it, and was holding it as his trump card for the proper time.

Well, proper times are hard to find when you've lain down for the eternal rest, some FDR's plans passed to Truman. Harry was just sitting around the Oval Office when this happened:

Military Chief: "Mr. President?"
Truman: "Yeah, what is it? I'm really busy."
Military Chief: "Well, sir, here's the thing. You know how the Japanese are still fighting rather hard?"
Truman: "Yeah, get to your point..."
Military Chief: "Well, we have this bomb... uh, three of them, actually, that basically can kill anything."
Truman: "Go on."
Military Chief: "Just... just throwing it out there, sir."

Truman, in all his infinite wisdom, takes this knowledge to his next Allied conference, where he promptly looks at Stalin and says, "Hey, Joe, just a head's up, but I've got a bigger bomb than you do." At which point Truman actually put his thumbs in his own ears, waved his fingers in Stalin's general direction, and said "Nannah-nannah boo-boo!" Joseph Stalin's reaction was "Well, that's nice. Good for you guys."

Stalin went back to the motherland, looked at his scientists, and said, "Build me one of those. I want one, or more. Build!" The Soviets started their own nuclear program, the United States dropped two of the bombs on Japan, which happens to be rather close to the Soviet Union, and the Cold War goes off to a rousing start, all thanks to Truman's showboating.

Of course, I have no doubts that the Cold War was inevitable. Russia suffered far too much during WWII. They didn't win any fans with the whole Eastern Bloc thing, either, but that's another story for another post.

So, long story short, FDR croaks, Truman learns about the bomb, Truman shows off in front of Stalin, Stalin orders his scientists to build, Truman's pride starts Cold War, the world goes MAD, and then Reagan bankrupted the Soviets. Nice history lesson.

Football Future-see IV

So last week was bad. We’re talking 1 win and 4 losses bad, sending us to 12-8 on the year. What a difference one week makes, huh? Only the Mets have suffered a worse collapse this season. But, we here at Right Wing continue, bearing the unbearable, striving for redemption with our fifth week of picks.

(15) Virginia Tech at (22) Clemson: Clemson is turning into an on-again-off-again team, dragging their fans on a roller coaster ACC schedule. Virginia Tech, though ranked number 15, has been a sort of disappointment this season. The energy of a team rebounding from a horrible event in April was sapped by Skip Holtz in week 1, when the Hokies barely escaped East Carolina. They’ve since lost to LSU, but they’ve won every other game, though not as decisively as wished for by Hokie Nation. This game depends on which Clemson team shows up, but we’re taking the Hokies to turn it on, beating Clemson in Death Valley 24-20.

(10) Oklahoma at (19) Texas: The Red River Shootout looked a lot more enticing eight days ago, but then Colorado and Kansas State effected Big XII drive-bys and knocked off OU and the Longhorns. Texas is uncertain as to the status of Colt McCoy, QB phenom who suffered a mild concussion. The Sooners need to prove that they haven’t lost their big game mentality. The last few games in this series have been lopsided, decided by ten or more points each time. Oklahoma is the better team, though, and they’ll prove it, handing Texas its second straight loss, 34-21.

(12) Georgia at Tennessee: UGA is an astounding 23-3 on the road against SEC teams since Mark Richt became head coach. UT is floundering and Fulmer’s seat is growing hotter and hotter. Matthew Stafford has come into his own as the Dawgs’ starting QB, and the two-headed attack of Brown and Moreno is frightening for any run defense. In their last three games, Georgia has scored 45, 26, and 45 points. Tennessee is giving up an average of 37.5 points per game this year. Dawgs go to Knoxville and win, 31-20.

(5) Wisconsin at Illinois: Here is your Upset Alert of Week 5. Wisconsin has not really proven themselves yet, even though they are number 5 in the land. The Illini are 4-1 and looking for Zook’s signature win. Well, this week looks pretty good to wear orange and blue, so long as you are a team from Illinios. The Badgers fall 27-26 in OT.

(9) Florida at (1) LSU: LSU assumes the leadership role in the nation, taking over the top spot from dethroned, but still undefeated, USC. Florida needs a bounce back game, and this does not look like it. The Tigers need to showcase the reason they are now number 1. The LSU offense has been slow to start recently, but once they get rolling, no one can stop them. The Gators may come into this game playing too hard, causing too many mistakes. Also, you just know the LSU secondary is daring Tebow to run one up the middle. LSU sends the Gators to their second conference loss. LSU 28, Florida 19.

A Few Quick Things

It's called bombing. If it were a collegiate test, I would've scored a 20 out of 100. It's called our Football Future-see picks from the weekend. We went 1-4 for the week.

Somehow this past weekend of college football became the gauntlet for top ten teams. 6 of the top 13 went down. Now Kentucky is number 8 in the land, LSU has jumped over USC for number one. My favorite stat: the SEC has five teams in the top twelve. Nice.

Politically....

Hillary is saying that the government should give every child that is born a $5000 bank account that can begin to accrue interest immediately so that the child can go to college. It's a wonderful gesture, but where exactly does ye olde federal government get the money? That's right... it comes from your pocket. Ahhhh... socialism.

Over in Mother Russia our good friend Vlad "The Election Rigger" Putin has stated that he plans to run for Prime Minister after stepping down as President early next year. Am I the only one who is worried by Putin's power grabs?

Apparently Burma... or is it Myanmar?... no wait... it is Burma, is killing anybody who's name contains a vowel. A defector recently revealed to the London Daily Times that the number of executions in Burma can easily be counted in te thousands.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (pronounced "I'm-A-Dinner-Jacket") (thanks, Robert) visited the US in the past few days and made a few bold statements, including the little ditty about how Iran doesn't have the "homosexual phenomenon." This coming from the same man who says the Holocaust never happened..."

We need help...
Sanjay, where are you?

Football Future-see 4, etc.

The Right Wing prediction staff (I’ll admit, it’s just me, Blake, at this point… Sanjay is still missing, but for the sake of pleasantries, I’ll stay pluralized) kept up our winning ways last week, going 4-1 and making us a nice 11-4 on the year. This week we tackle conference match-ups, 3 SEC games, 1 Big East game, and 1 ACC game.

(13) Clemson at Georgia Tech: Tech is reeling and Clemson is rolling. The Yellow Jackets have dropped two straight since their precious Ramblin’ Wreck was, ironically, wrecked. Clemson is too much for the Jackets to handle, and Taylor Bennett, the GT QB, is having timing issues. Clemson wins, 26-13.

(5) West Virgina at (18) South Florida: South Florida made us look like geniuses by picking them over Auburn, but WVU is a tougher test. The Slaton/White ticket makes even the best defenses look silly. South Florida beat the Mountaineers last season, so West Virginia is revenge-minded, but that can be bad. It’ll be close; WVU gets their revenge, winning 31-28.

Ole Miss at (15) Georgia: Again, the Dawgs made us look good last week. Now the Rebels come to town after a close loss to mighty Florida. UGA sophomore QB Matthew Stafford is getting better and better as the season goes, and he now has a weapon that all the big-time quarterbacks have, poise under pressure. Georgia avoids the letdown and get’s their fourth win of the year, beating Ole Miss 31-13.

Auburn at (4) Florida: Florida won, keeping our record respectable, but they didn’t come close to the point spread we predicted. Auburn made us look good a few weeks back by falling flat against South Florida, and this is an SEC game, so you never know what to expect. Truthfully, Auburn doesn’t have enough for Florida this year. Tebow is a good QB, but all the running he does will get him into trouble. Someone is going to hit him hard, and it will do some damage. Florida wins, but they don’t roll, 30-23.

Mississippi State at (16) South Carolina: I’ll say it right now; the Gamecocks are officially on upset alert. Mississippi State has taken down Auburn, and beating Spurrier and South Carolina would let people know they’re for real. That’s the trick with the SEC, rivalry games happen every week and something bad tends to happen to teams with high rankings. I point back to UGA/Auburn last year. Auburn was number 5 in the nation. The Dawgs beat the Tigers 37-15. This game won’t be a blowout, but MissSt is playing well enough to win. Sly Crrom gets another big SEC “W”, 27-17.

Video games revisited



Today we travel back in time to Christmas of 1996. I was fourteen, and Christmas still held magic for me. Often it seems kids are disillusioned at an early age. Christmas loses whatever power it had, and kids look at it as just another day. I still hold out for the magic of a family Christmas. So it was that Christmas ’96 arrived…

I stumbled into the room, half asleep and half excited. Christmas is my favorite holiday, and not even because of the presents. I love the season. But, at age fourteen, presents are fairly important.

I sat down and began anxiously ripping into packages. First out was the N64 itself, resplendent in its vibrant multi-color box. I sat for a few minutes turning the box from one side to the other, reading every single word on it. The back of the box was peppered with screenshots of the different games that were coming out.

After scanning every panel on the box, I moved to the next present. What good is a game system without games? Not much, but present number two solved the momentary dilemma. Inside the box was a shirt. Now, first off, you can’t play a shirt. I’ve tried it, it can’t be done. Inside the shirt, though, was Star Wars: Shadows of the Empire. My first N64 game. I also opened Super Mario 64 that day, but Shadows stuck with me.

For those of you not in the know, Shadows of the Empire is quite possibly the most unbalanced game ever made. Some levels are easy and can be completed in a few minutes. Other levels can take upwards of an hour-plus to defeat. The bosses also range from the comical to the insanely difficult. To better understand the game, it helps to have read the book by Steve Perry.

A quick synopsis: Shadows of the Empire takes place between The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. The story follows Luke Skywalker and company in tracking down the carbonite-frozen Han Solo, the adventures of rakish pilot Dash Rendar, and the competition between the evil crime lord Prince Xizor and Darth Vader.

The game follows Dash Rendar in a loose parallel of the events detailed in the book. In the book Rendar make reference to being on Hoth and fighting in the battle against the Empire. The game begins with that battle, and then follows Rendar in his quest through the Hoth base to get to his ship, the Outrider. After successfully overcoming these two missions, you fly through the Hoth asteroid belt.

From here the game gets harder. You travel to the junkyards of Ord Mantell and track down the bounty hunter IG-88. After dispatching IG-88, there is a fun level where you race swoops (essentially high-powered flying motorcycles) through Mos Eisley and Beggar’s Canyon.

You then track down the man himself, Boba Fett. Fett’s level is easily the longest and most trying in the entire game. After reaching Fett, you must fight him. You can kill him all you want, but he is never truly dead. He falls down into a hangar and reappears, this time in his ship, Slave I. You now have to defeat his ship. You’re still on foot.

If you’ve seen Return of the Jedi, then you’re probably familiar with the line “Many Bothans died to bring us this information.” in regards to the Death Star plans. In the game Dash Rendar leads the Bothan charge against an Imperial freighter carrying the plans. The freighter level is intense and is easily the most replayable level in the game.

The level where you have to trounce through the Imperial Sewers on Coruscant is horrifying. The sewers are dank, dark pits of despair. The boss battle in the sewers takes place under water, which is disgusting.

Once beyond the sewers, and after a nice, hot shower, you enter Xizor’s palace. The palace is one of the game’s most difficult levels. Save areas are few and far between, and the enemies are tougher to beat. The boss of Xizor’s palace is a Gladiator droid that you must kill three times. Round one is fighting the entire droid, who stands about fifty-feet-tall. Round two his legs fall off and you fight his flying torso. Round three his torso falls off and you fight a flying head.

Xizor’s Palace falls and you take to space for the final battle, Xizor’s skyhook. In a way, this battle is anticlimactic. You destroy the skyhook while dodging Imperial, Rebel, and Xizor-aligned starfighters. No matter how fast you fly after delivering the death blow, you will not escape.

In the book Dash Rendar is believed to die in the explosion of the skyhook. The game is no different, with the exception that after the battle, and after a few characters say “Oh my, Dash is dead!” you see Dash Rendar flying his ship through hyperspace.

In the end, Shadows has fantastic replay value, and if you learn the debug, you can play in ways you never imagined before.

Football Future-see III

Well, we dropped the ball last week, missing two games badly and ending up 3-2 for the week. Coupled with the 4-1 record from our first week, the Right Wing prediction staff is 7-3, with an extra game picked that never showed up on the blog (I correctly called Bama knocking off Arkansas).

So what’s in store this week: (1 Big Ten game, and then all SEC)

(10) Penn State at Michigan: Michigan finally got over the hump by crushing Notre Dame. Penn State still has to prove themselves to the doubters. PSU’s quarterback, Anthony Morelli, is dubbed as an on-again-off-again QB in need of consistency. The Wolverines offense has yet to be impressive, and yes I know they put up 38 on Notre Dame, but ND has the worst defense of all D-I schools in the nation. Look for Penn State to win, 27-21.

(12) South Carolina at (2) LSU: The Tigers are picked by 16 in this game, and that sounds about right. Spurrier’s birds played sloppy against and even-sloppier UGA team two weeks ago, and then played lowly South Carolina State last week. LSU is coming off impressive wins over VaTech and Middle Tennessee. Look of the Tigers to Geaux, winning easily, 37-17.

(3) Florida at Mississippi: Florida takes the SEC’s most potent offense to Ole Miss, where the Rebs have a defense ranked 104 out of 119. This does not look good if you’re a Mississippi fan. The Gators put up over 50 points against Tennessee, and UT’s Defense is better than Ole Miss. This is not a let down game. Gators roll 69-7.

(21) Kentucky at Arkansas: The Wildcats are coming off an emotional win against Louisville; the Razorbacks are coming off a bitter loss to Alabama. Kentucky wants to keep rolling; Arkansas wants to be back in the Top 25. Andre Woodson is trying to get his name in the Heisman hunt: Darren McFadden is looking to re-establish himself in the hunt. Kentucky, I think, wants it more. Wildcats top Razorbacks, 31-24.

(22) UGA at (16) Alabama: GameDay will be in Tuscaloosa for this one. On paper, this game looks fantastic. Georgia has the number 15 defense in the country, while Alabama has the number 25 offense. Nick Saban has revitalized the Crimson Tide. The Dawgs are suffering thorugh some media persecution for being too young, yet they only game they’ve lost was by 4 points, and they’ve outscored their opponents by a total of 46 points this season. ‘Bama’s big win over Arkansas provides momentum, but UGA is looking for a signature conference victory. It’ll be close, but UGA upsets the elephants 28-24.

Sampler Platter Episode II

Football Future-see

It's week three of the College season and already the Top 25 is shaking and moving. UGA faltered last week against South Carolina, Michigan is 0-2, Notre Dame hasn't shown up for a game yet, and Louisville doesn't have a defense. So here we go.

1. (21) Boston College vs. (15) Georgia Tech. It is very early in the season to be talking about conference titles, but this game could very well decide the ACC, or at least be a preview of the ACC title game. Tech has obliterated two opponents, out scoring the opposition 33-3 and 69-14. BC looks like they could hang with almost anyone in the nation. Still, expect Tech to win 34-20.

2. (1) USC vs. (14) Nebraska. I can't even begin to explain how badly I want Nebraska to win this game. I have never like USC, and it's mostly because of their coach. There's a big difference between winning a game and running up the score. Nebraska brings a better defense than USC has played in years, but it won't be enough, USC tops the Huskers 31-21.

3. Western Carolina vs. (23) UGA. I said I don't like running the score up, but sometimes it can be therapeutic. The Dawgs looked bad against the dark lord of the Sith, Darth Visor, but they get a I-AA opponent this week who they should beat (I'm looking at you Michigan). Look for Knowshon Moreno to tally about 200 yards in this one as Stafford and the Dawgs rebound, blowing out WCU 56-10.

4. (9) Louisville vs. Kentucky. This game showcases two of the best quarterbacks in the nation, Brian Brohm and Andre Woodson. Brohm is a Heisman candidate. Louisville, though, has shown no defense in two games. Kentucky comes out of the rough-and-tumble SEC East, and they're looking for the big win. Louisville has too much offense, though, and they will beat Kentucky, 41-35.

5. (22) Tennessee vs. (5) Florida. Big SEC match-ups are always fun. Tennessee will have to run the ball well to slow down the high-octane Gator offense. Tim Tebow is trying to establish himself as the premiere QB of the SEC, and he will be put to the test this week. Tennessee is still stinging from the Cal loss, and an upset of Florida would be the perfect salve. The tricky situation is the fact that this is a conference game, a time when SEC opponents bring their A-game. Look for Florida stop the run and win this one, 27-20.

Palpatine Syndrome...

Russian President Vladimir Putin dissolved the Russian government, dismissing the Prime Minister and Parliament. The belief in the world community is that Putin is paving the way for his hand-picked successor, defense Minister Sergei Ivanov, to be installed as Prime Minister, and then be elected President next spring.

I call this the Palpatine Syndrome because of the Star Wars movies. The Emperor, Palpatine, dissolves the senate and places control in the hands of governors who answer directly to him. Putin has taken steps toward acquiring absolute power in Russia, and everyone seems to be taking his move with a grain of salt.

Robert, here's your shot at a return of the Cold War.

Notes on Sanjay
He's still missing.

Football Future-see

I’ll try every week to correctly predict the outcomes to five games from the college schedule. I know I missed week one, but the truth is, I just decided to do this.

1. Notre Dame at (14)Penn State. ND is 0-1 after Georgia Tech ran into the welcoming arms of “touchdown” Jesus in South Bend, blowing out the Irish 33-3. Penn State tallied 59 points in their opener. Penn State has a quarterback, Notre Dame has three, which any good coach would tell you, mean Notre Dame doesn’t have a quarterback. This one should be fun, if only for the “whiteout.” Penn State rolls 42-13.

2. Oregon at Michigan. The upset of all time is still echoing in Ann Arbor, and the big house is full of the screams of indignant big blue fans. Oregon runs the same offense as Appalachian State, only with bigger guys. That means Michigan is in for another run-and-gun game. Oregon sends the Wolverines to an 0-2 start, handling Henne and Hart, 35-24 Ducks.

3. South Carolina at (11)Georgia. The Dawgs were supposed to lose their season opener to Oklahoma State. They were supposed to falter in week one, not Michigan. But, just like when Boise State came calling a few years back and every sports writer in the country put UGA on upset alert, the Dawgs hunkered down and laid a beating on the potential upseter. South Carolina, though, is in year three of the Spurrier Dictatorship, and they’ve yet to give UGA a challenge. This year doesn’t look any different. Dawgs win, 31-14.

4. (9)Virginia Tech at (2)LSU. VaTech is the feel-good story of ’07, but their football team left a lot to be desired against East Carolina, winning by a 17-7 score. LSU, on the other hand, blanked a fellow SEC team, beating Mississippi State 45-0. Unfortunately for the boys in maroon and orange, those Tigers in purple and yellow aren’t gonna hold back. LSU wins handily, 37-20.

5. South Florida at (17) Auburn. I hate to say it, but an SEC school is about to fall. South Florida is a dangerous team. They beat a couple of Big East / National powerhouses last season. Look for Auburn to sound the upset alarm. South Florida squeaks by, 30-27.

According to Whoopi

I honestly don’t know where to start on this one. Whoopi Goldberg, in her first fifteen minutes on the job as new co-host of “The View,” came out in defense of Michael Vick. All of which is well and good; if you want to defend Vick, feel free. But her defense of the disgraced Falcon’s quarterback was founded on the thought that dog fighting is an integral part of southern culture.

That’s right, according to Whoopi, dog fighting is as ingrained in southern culture as cock fighting is in Puerto Rico. Elisabeth Hasselbeck, another View co-host, congratulated the NFL on suspending Vick indefinitely. Goldberg’s response included commenting on Vick coming from a culture where no one questions [dog fighting]. I was unaware of that, but apparently southerners are so backward that we all consider dog fighting to be okay, and we see no immorality in it.

The sad thing is Whoopi’s mindset is not limited to Whoopi. There is a large percentage of the population that believes everyone in the south to be an ignorant, backwater redneck. We all think the Civil War is still going on and we’ve all saved our Confederate money for when we win.

Goldberg claimed that Virginia-native Michael Vick is from the “deep south” and that dog fighting is just part of his up-bringing. I’ll admit that rural dog-fighting has a history among southerners, and I’m not proud of that. But I’ll also say that not that many people consider Virginia to be the “deep south.”

I’m honestly stuck on this one. Was Goldberg’s comment meant only to stir up controversy, as Rosie was so good at doing? Or was it indicative of her belief that the south is a backward, inferior part of the nation?

Fopas

Well, it had to happen, and here it is. It's exactly 3:00am as I sit down to write this. I'm not feeling the urge to sleep yet. Let me clarify a few things before I launch into this post:

1. I've taken some heat because I was more worried about the UGA football game than I was about Sanjay going AWOL (Georgia won 35-14, by the way). I'm sorry if anyone was offended.
2. Sanjay is still missing. He still isn't answering calls. The police are investigating.

Now, the title of this post comes from a very interesting AIM conversation I had with Robert from Skewed View, probably a year ago. He tried to say faux pas, but inadvertently typed fopas. We've all made typographical mistakes, so no harm done, but fopas has become a running joke.

Anywho, the fopas in question here comes from the lovely world of Facebook, brought to you live on teh interwebs.

Facebook allows a user to reveal their religious beliefs, a action that proves deadly in many countries, but here in the good ole U. S. of A. we can't get enough of running each others god into the ground. The trick to thise issue is understanding that most people who have any sort of religious conviction are usually svelte in what they post. Unless you are a Miss America pageant contestant, or a, how should I put this, "Lady/Man of the Evening," we probably won't be getting the good juicy photos of you running around topless at a church bake sale, or soliciting the Royal English guardsman while making sure the paparazzi see as much of you thong as possible.

And yet people who say they are Christian throw up pictures of themselves in the clubs, bumping and grinding with any stranger who happens to be holding a Jack and Coke, or they are out on the lake in their bikinis with every guy they know hanging off of them while the bikini material is stretched to the breaking point trying to turn a B-cup into a D-cup (congrats if you can pull it off), or the pictures will show guys standing around holding those coozie-things used to keep a canned beverage cold, all while the Miller labels is clearly visible. My favorite is the increasingly popular selection for religion: "I LOVE JESUS!" You look at their profiles and their activities actually include drinking. Then you check their pictures and you get the standard shot of them actually tipping the keg itself over and you're left thinking, "How could a 95 pound girl in stiletto heels lift a keg?"

Also these "fopas"-masters will say that they are politically "Very Conservative" and yet you open their profile and every picture they've posted has them drinking (I'm talking serious mixing Bacardi with Grey Goose and a Jaegermeister chaser drinking), or pushing a half-empty Budweiser bottle into the lower recessed of their cleavage, or groping someone of the same gender.

I'm just thinking that if you're going to claim to be Christian, or Very Conservative, maybe you should act like it. Then again, it's now 3:24 am and my brain might not be firing on all cylinders.

80: Sanjay please come back.

I found a homeless cat last night. I brought him in, but he won't leave his cardboard box.

Sanjay still has not reported in. He still isn't answering his phone. I'm hoping he isn't lost.


These pictures could bring him back, he loves funny cats. And I really need a call screener. BigMommaHawaii42 won't leave me alone.

Anyway, since I'm going it alone now, I have some news. I uploaded Mozilla Firefox last night. My computer actually coughed. Like a 75-year-old asthmatic, my HP with Windows 98 physically hacked for a few minutes. But I'm safer now, from the evil internet.

Some of you may be thinking, haven't you been going alone for a while? I mean, Sanjay's only written twice in two months. Well, since I have an old HP with Windows 98, Sanjay has been fulfilling his purpose as tech support. Believe me, I need tech support.

Sorry, though, time's short. UGA kicks off in a few minutes and I've got to get ready. Have fun.

Sanjay?

Sanjay is gone. I came in to the office today, expecting to find him sitting at his desk, probably playing Solitaire, but he’s gone. I called his house; no answer. I even called over to The Fallen. Grubbs hasn’t heard from him. I called Skewed, knowing that Fred and Sanjay don’t get along, but that Fred wouldn’t wish any harm on him. Fred answered the phone and when I asked him if he’d seen Sanjay, he said, “No, now leave us alone!” and he hung up on me.

So I sat down at Sanjay’s computer and pulled up our office email account. I found one e-mail from retsderf@mindspring.com that read: I’m gonna get you, sucka. I can only assume that it’s spam. All the other emails were from various people who Sanjay has given tech support to. I figured he might be out on a support call, so I called his cell phone (yes, I did wonder why I didn’t think of it before). No answer.

If any of you know where Sanjay is, please let me know.

UPDATE: I found the last e-mail that Sanjay sent. I need BigMommaHawaii42 to call me please. I think Sanjay was looking for you.

Sanjay Strikes Back at the Fredster

Well, gang, I’m back. I’m not too proud to admit that I suffered a mild psychotic episode after American Idol selected Sanjaya over me, even if it was a simple clerical error. I went off the deep end just a bit. On top of that was the incident where Blake locked me in the broom closet because he thought I was trying to take over. I explained everything to Blake, and he finally let me out… two weeks later.

So here I sit, back for my first post in many months. I was going to explain my absence in further detail. I was even going to answer some reader mail in this post.

But wouldn’t you know it, Fred over at Skewed as decided to rip everyone a new one in a rather scathing post. Now we here at the Right Wing have long believed that Fred is actually Rennie, or, even more shockingly, Rennie is actually Fred, and quite possibly Akbar is the burro. Fred seems to have a lot of insight that only Rennie would have. But we’ll continue to assume that Fred is real.

Fred has decided that the Right Wing is too political. Apparently the name didn’t tip him off. We talk about politics, we’re too political. We talk about sports, we do too much with sports. The answer here is simple. Fred doesn’t want competition. Face it, Fred. Ever since Blake started The Right Wing you’ve had to work harder to maintain your readership. In typical Democrat form (see, I’m being political again), Fred doesn’t want competition in the marketplace.

One thing that Fred was right about, which is a miracle in itself, is that Rennie and Grubbs are too depressing. He left Blake out of that conversation, which is good, because Blake has been fairly happy lately. He hasn’t been depressed over his job, or his lack of social mobility in a mountain town. And he thankfully has avoided the “Fred-trap,” where a person writes mindless drivel about people they’ve never met.

We have to remember though, that Fred is willing to flash Ronald McDonald. Imagine, if Fred will do that to a kid’s hero, what would he do to the kid? Fred, you’re the reason I’m glad I have guns in my house. So Fred, the next time you feel the urge to write something on Rennie’s blog, make sure Rennie knows about it. I think his new policy involves a spot right behind the ear and not feeling a thing.

The Shaping of the Political Mind

Hello, Right Wing readers.
I know we’ve been kind of light-hearted here lately, and we’re not going to stop that trend. But a thought came to me the other day: How do we come about having the political beliefs that we have?

My good friend Robert, from Skewed View, is a solid Democrat. He likes the term progressive, claiming it to be liberalism with a conscience. I’ve always aligned closer to the Republicans, but I’m more Libertarian than anything. Robert grew up for a few years in Florida and then moved to North Georgia. I’ve lived in North Georgia all my life. So how did we come up with such differing beliefs? When we were children it didn’t matter to us who the President was. So long as we had Voltron, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Thundercats, and Star Wars we were okay. We were the epitome of cool. You had the baby boomers, well, we’re the Reagan babies.

All was right with the world. Reagan bankrupted the Soviet Union, rebuilt the American economy, and, if you believe the reports, single-handedly brought down the Berlin Wall. How much impact did these events have in shaping our political belief system? We probably didn’t think much about it at the time, but we were brought up to believe in the President as a force for good. Reagan ended the Cold War, essentially establishing the United States as the sole superpower on the globe. We were safe at home; we had defeated the big bad commies.

George H. W. Bush, the forty-first president, served only four years, and during his term the United States went to war with Iraq. Understand that we buddied up with Iraq while Iran posed the biggest threat to us in the 1970s. Suddenly, Iraq posed a big threat to the world’s oil supply as they tried to forcibly take over Kuwait. Bush 41 stepped up and, using his powers as commander-in-chief, drove back the Iraqi forces, though we never took Baghdad nor did we depose Saddam Hussein at that time.

Bill Clinton presided over the nation during a relative time of peace. The economy was going through the standard post-war upswing, something you’ll find economies do, regardless of who is in office. Clinton was praised as a great leader. He offered assistance in Kosovo, and he had an official position that Saddam Hussein be removed from power. Clinton was offered Usama bin Laden twice by the Sudan, for the low, low price of taking them off the terrorist watch list. Clinton refused.

George W. Bush was elected in one of the most controversial elections of all time. Recount after recount in Florida failed to swing the election to the Democrats, and the Supreme Court upheld the election results. Then, less than nine months into his term, the most devastating terrorist attack of all time came to be. The attacks of September 11 launched the US into what has been deemed the “War on Terror.” There are, however, plenty of people who refuse to believe it was a terror attack. Instead, they think that Bush orchestrated the attacks in order to go to war in the Middle East.

So there is a very brief synopsis of the four presidents of my lifetime. I still find it funny that people believe Bush masterminded the 9/11 attacks, yet they claim him to be so incompetent and stupid that he cannot even form a coherent sentence. But that’s another story for another time.

So I asked Robert what shaped his political ideology. His answer didn’t surprise me. He said it was seeing stock footage of FDR that took him down Democrat Drive. I’ve known for a long time that he claims to be a Roosevelt Democrat. He knows that I despise many of the programs FDR put into place.

Now, I turn to my own life. I never thought much of politics as a younger child. I really got into it in high school. I don’t remember hearing it, but somewhere the thought was planted into me that Republicans were all bad and Democrats were good. I think that thought more than anything made me dig into the parties. For the first few years I really aligned with the Republicans, but as I got older I knew that what I believed and what they believed didn’t gel at all. They’ve fallen so far from Reagan’s nest. Since the 2000 elections the Republicans had seemingly cast aside their belief in smaller government, opting instead for a spending mentality. I couldn’t go for it.

I went off on my own, searching for new ground. I didn’t like the Democrats saying that the Republicans would take away Social Security, but I also didn’t like the idea of funneling money into a broken system that wouldn’t pay me back in the later years. Somewhere there was a party who I could relate to. Then I found them. Libertarians. There are polls that reveal that 85% of Americans harbor Libertarian leanings, but the smaller, third-parties are almost shut out of the limelight.

But I haven’t yet answered my original question: what shaped my beliefs? Remember that I somehow learned that Republicans were the bad guys. Who told me this? I honestly don’t recall. I know my grandfather usually votes Democrat. In the 1992 election, my dad liked Ross Perot. So, obviously, my family stood on differing sides of the aisle. And then there was school… High school is essentially the formative political years. You actually can grasp the concepts of government now, and you begin to question your own ideas. You can interpret readings and information for yourself, meaning you no longer take everything at face value, which is good when dealing with Washington.

So what shaped my political beliefs? Parents, friends, school, society, the works, that’s what. I can safely say that my environment turned me into what I am today: a Reagan-Libertarian.
Tune in next week when a member of the Right Wing staff makes his triumphant return.

Visa-sheep

You’ve all seen them. The new Visa commercials. You know, the one where the guy is standing in a fast moving line going through a mall, and suddenly the line comes to a screeching halt, people drop the items they were looking at, a ceiling tile falls, and somewhere a sparrow crashes into a tree limb, all because the guy has pulled cash out of his pocket.

And there’s the one in the cafeteria. Apparently the machine is hungry. Everybody moves in perfect unison, a well-oiled corporate entity. Everyone knows what food they want, they know they have fifteen minutes to eat before returning to the grind, but… wait, someone’s not using the Visa card that’s been surgically grafted to their hand. The well-oiled machine blows a gasket, knife-fights break out, and the sparrow hits another tree limb. All because someone refuses to be a Visa-sheep.

What about the other commercial, where everyone is at the food court? People go from line to line, store to store, and all the lines are moving rapidly, the first line moves at a decent clip, but someone decides to pay with cash, so everyone, in a fit or disgust, moves to another line, after another line and another cash paying customer the mob is growing restless. They go to a final line where everything suddenly grinds to a standstill. Someone spills a tray, a baby begins to weep uncontrollably, and that same sparrow returns to the tree limb with an AK-47, all because someone else has decided to use cash. The tag line on this version of the commercial is the kicker. Fast food deserves fast money.

Somehow, somewhere along the line, we decided as a culture that we could wait in line at a movie theater for three months to see a two-hour film, but we can’t wait 28 seconds at an ATM. We’ll camp out for weeks to get concert tickets, but we get angry if the McDonald’s drive-thru takes more than forty-five seconds on our cheeseburger (to which we complain that the burger wasn’t fresh).

If you watch these commercials, you’ll see a group of people becoming steadily angrier and more annoyed because the other people aren’t going as fast as the ‘angry-annoyed’s are. There’s a technical term for this behavior: road rage. Trust me; it isn’t worth getting upset over because Jimmy doesn’t want to accrue airline miles for buying a Happy Meal.

If you think about it, Visa is sending a series of horrible messages with these commercials. For starters, Visa is saying that everyone should do the same thing at the same time. That’s tantamount to the schoolgirl a few years back who, on national television, said that everyone should have the same amount of stuff. The socialist dream.

Visa is also saying that cash carriers are now second class citizens and should be treated as such. We should be angry when someone doesn’t want to use their Visa card.

Visa is sending the message that waiting is bad. Let’s look at some issues where a person would be better served by waiting: 1. Having a family. 2. Buying a house.
3. Buying a car. 4.Gathering intelligence before going to war. 5. Automatically turning down the deal that would give you the world’s number one terrorist because of the terms of the agreement. 6. Using your Visa card for every single purchase you make.

So Visa wants everyone, everywhere, to use their Visa card at all times on all purchases, and they want you to get ticked if someone doesn’t play by the Visa rules. Way to go, Visa. That’s the American way.

The Right Wing 75

The Return of the Jaded Senior
That time of year has once again descended upon us. The fall semester begins August 22. Not long after that the leaves will begin to change color, a cool breeze will begin to blow, and footballs will be flying through the air like a new species of bird. Somewhere, I’m sure; a small animal is chasing another small animal around a pumpkin. Assuming, of course, that summer does not give fall and winter a break and skip straight into spring.

While a change in the weather is good, and the return of football is great, this time of year is recognized for the return of another creature: the Jaded Senior.

For those of you not in the know, the Jaded Senior is an animal unto itself. They have seen things that no human being should see, they know things that no one should know (just ask about the “Spot the Mossad Agent” Game). The Jaded Senior carries years of intellectual accruement that would burden down Einstein, God rest him. No man is an island, but the Jaded Senior has dug himself one heck of a moat.

Achieving the level of Jaded Senior requires putting in far too many hours for either your major or your minor. The look is disheveled to the point that some Jaded Seniors are mistaken for professors. The mental fortitude required to be a Jaded Senior rivals that of the Zen Buddhist monks of Tibet. The Jaded Senior is actually preceded into the room by his own ego.

You never want to be near a Jaded Senior when their last nerve is stepped on. I point back to the perfect storm, the moment when Carl, Robert, and I simultaneously imploded like a cluster of neutron stars, spewing acidic vitriol at each other as the very strings of time and space rent and tore themselves around us, forming new dimensions where the squigglies were straight and the straights were squiggly, the rights were lefts and the lefts were rights. It was a thing of beauty made possible by a simple comment about who was the better driver.

The Jaded Perspective

I drove up to Dahlonega the other day, mainly because I don’t trust the US Postal Service to carry a check that will pay for the next four months of my life a mere sixty miles. So, into the truck I hopped and in a scant forty-five minutes I found myself in God’s country, at least if God were moving his library, building a parking deck, re-routing the streets of gold, and somehow raising admission prices to pay for it all.

My first thought as I pulled into the scenic main campus of North Georgia College and State University was this: “They’ve been working on the parking deck since January and they’re only to there???” Literally, in seven and a half months, they’ve built one retaining wall. Regardless, I immediately understood that parking was doomed to be a total nightmare once again. I really do love paying for things I’ll never use.

I made my way to the business office, and quickly found myself a thousand dollars lighter. Having gained the relief of paying for school, but somewhat dreading the burden of returning, I went over to the Public Safety office to get my parking permit. It was here that I learned the NGCSU’s Public Safety has an anti-handicap agenda.

To get a parking permit students had to climb a flight-and-a-half of stairs to the back door, and then go in. On these stairs was posted a sign saying that handicapped students should use the front door of the building. I’ll admit to a bit of laziness here, in that I really didn’t want to climb those stairs in the 100-degree heat. I walked around to the front door, in the shade the whole time, and when I got there, the door was locked. Back around I went, up the stairs, and through the door. No mention was made of the front door being locked, but I was struck with a morbid curiosity of wanting to see a wheelchair-bound student conquering the stairs to get a parking permit.

Standing atop the Public Safety steps, I looked out over the panorama that is NGCSU. The parking deck construction carries on with the pace of a snail on valium. When construction first began it was deemed wise to close off an area in front of the student center where students liked to congregate, or merely hang out in the shade, even though no work was going on there. The resulting Picasso of chain link fence made the entrance to the library look like one of those black-and-white photos you see of the old concentration camps. Now, from what I hear, the inside of the library looks like FEMA has declared it a disaster area. The whole top floor is closed off, with the exception of a pathway lined by tarps leading you to the stairs to the first floor. I’ve always wondered what it is about the gates of hell that compels people to wander into ‘em.

So what, I ask, does this semester hold for the Jaded Senior? From my point of view, this semester already looks better than any other. As a result of awkward scheduling, I have yet another semester after this one before reaching graduation. So I’m kicked back. Cool as the other side of the pillow.

The incoming batch of freshmen should provide hours of entertainment. I’ll be watching on day one, hopefully from a good vantage point to see which unlucky kid stops beside the cannon during retreat. I’m waiting to hear some innocent voice proclaim that Dr. So-and-so is assigning too much homework. My favorite is the young student who begins to sweat and cry because they have an eight page paper due in a month.

Come back to me when you’ve finished an upper level history class, or a 2000+ level English class, then we’ll talk.

Post 74: Cheating, Stoned Cats, and Treachery

The Right Wing proudly presents the 74th post in franchise history. Today, we detail cheating in sports. Enjoy.

The Faux Coach Pendulum

ESPN recently ran an article detailing the lengths to which teams and players went to cheat, or gain a leg up on the competition. In football, the home team has the wonderful advantage of placing cameras high overhead in their stadiums and catching glimpses of the practices, hoping to steal signs and learns plays of the opposing team.

To counteract this super-secret spy mode, the opposing team will dress a dummy coach, likely an assistant, in full coaching gear with a clipboard and a head-set that isn't plugged in, and let him give hand motions that appear to signal plays. This coach would roam the sidelines, obviously drawing attention to himself and away from the real coaching staff, hence the name: Faux Coach Pendulum.

Buckshot's Birdshot

NASCAR, and all forms of racing, have there own special group of cheaters. "Buckshot" Jones's racing team devised a way to lighten his race car. They pourde birdshot into the framework of the vehicle, creating a heavy car that would pass pre-race inspection. The key to this plan was the dump switch, cleverly disguised as a wiring harness running beside the driver's seat. Once Jones was on the track, he could pull the harness and open a small door, dumping the birdshot on the apron of the track.

Stoned Cats

Treachery, thy name is new Right Wing mascot...

Presenting the new mascots for The Right Wing. Why? Because we deal in funny cats.

Football foresight

I try every year to predict the big winner in the NFL and in college football. Well, here we go again...

College Ranks:
PAC-10: USC

Big XII North: Nebraska
Big XII South: Oklahoma
Big XII Champ: Oklahoma

Big Ten: Wisconsin

Big East: West Virginia

ACC Atlantic: Boston College
ACC Coastal: Miami
ACC Champ: Miami

SEC East: Tennessee
SEC West: LSU
SEC Champ: LSU

National Championship Game: LSU vs. USC

NFL:

NFC
North: Chicago
South: New Orleans
East: Dallas
West: Seattle
Wild Cards: San Francisco, Philadelphia
Champ: New Orleans

AFC
North: Baltimore
South: Indianapolis
East: New England
West: San Diego
Wild Cards: Cincinnati, Pittsburgh
Champ: Cincinnati

Super Bowl XLII Champ: New Orleans

The Stargate Dissertation, part II

Here is part 2 of the Stargate dissertation. And Rennie, I let you have fun with all your F1 posts, let me have this, okay...

SG-1
The Flagship team for Stargate Command, SG-1 was initially comprised of Col. Jack O'Neill, Major Dr. Samantha Carter, Lt. Kowalski, and Lt. Ferretti. Kowalski was killed by a Goa'uld and Ferretti went on to command another team. SG-1 was joined by Dr. Daniel Jackson and eventually by Teal'c, the Jaffa warrior. Teal'c was once First Prime of Apophis, the key enemy of SG-1 for the first four seasons. As the show entered its eighth season, Jack O'Neill was given command of the SGC. In season nine, Cameron Mitchell became leader of SG-1, and Vala Mal Doran joined the team as well.

ALLIES
The Asgard
The Asgard are the stereotypical aliens, little gray bodies with large, bulbous black eyes. The Asgard took one the form of ancient Norse gods, not for control, like the Goa'uld, but to help the ancient people. The key Asgard, Thor, has been extremely helpful to SG-1 and Earth.

The Tok'ra
Goa'ulds who oppose the System Lords, the name Tok'ra literally translates as "Against Ra." Maj. Carter was blended for a short time with a Tok'ra, and by doing so she gained many Tok'ra memories. SG-1 met the Tok'ra and joined forces against the System Lords. Carter's dying father blends with a Tok'ra and becomes a key member of the resistance movement.

The Ancients
The gate builders. The Ancients created many different technologies, but their key discovery was ascension. By ascending, a being leaves a lower plane of existence and enters a higher existence, typically as energy. A main rule of ascended beings is not to get involved with the affairs of the lower planes. Oma Desala always crossed the line on this rule. The Ancient Myrden, known in medieval times as Merlin, had long fought against the enemies of the Ancients, going so far as to design the Sangraal, a weapon capable of destroying Ascended beings.

ENEMIES
The Goa'uld System Lords
The Goa'uld are a parasitic worm-like species that forcibly take over host bodies. Their society is dominated by the System Lords. Ra was the Supreme System Lord. He took a human body 10,000 years ago, and was able to remain healthy through the use of alien technologies. Beneath Ra in the Goa'uld hierarchy are Apophis, Cronus, Niirti, Heru-ur, Sethesh, Yu, and many others. The non-System Lord Goa'uld caste includes Zipacna, Isis, Imhotep, and more. The most feared Goa'uld of all, though, was Anubis. Anubis was kicked out of the System Lord ranks because he committed atrocities even the Goa'uld found disturbing. Anubis disappeared, and later returned, in a half-ascended state. Oma Desala, in her pity, had helped him ascend, but he was kicked out of ascension and left half-ascended. He began to systematically wipe out the other System Lords until his defeat over Antarctica. Nearly a year later he engaged Oma Desala in eternal war .

The Replicators
Robots. Millions of tiny robots, each one capable of reproducing itself an infinite amount of times, all while integrating any technology into its being. That description amounts to what a Replicator can do. It does not come close to revealing how destructive these little buggers can be. The Replicator threat originated in the Asgard home galaxy, and they quickly targeted Earth. The "bugs" reached a level of technological evolution where they achieved human form. The Replicator Fifth became leader of the species, until his creation, a Replicator version of Samantha Carter, betrayed him. Replicator Carter was ultimately defeated by SG-1 and Daniel Jackson.

The Ori
The Ancients sought only to enlighten themselves. If a person was deemed worthy of ascension, an Ancient may help them. Oma Desala was famous for offering help. The Ancients never sought the worship of "lower" beings. The Ori, though, drew strength from their followers. They forcibly preached Origin as the way to true salvation, and promised, though rarely delivered, ascension. The Ori learned that the Milky Way had been protected by the Ancients and immediately sought to convert or kill the galaxy's inhabitants, and to eventually kill the Ancients themselves. SG-1 entered into battle against the Ori and met the Orici, a child with the knowledge and power, though not all of either, of the Ori. Orici led the Ori army into the Milky Way. SG-1, with the help of Daniel Jackson and Merlin (that's right, the wizard), devised a weapon that would eliminate the Ori. The weapon worked, but the Ori followers persisted. The Orici eventually ascended, possibly restarting the Ori way.

The Stargate Dissertation, part I

I promised some time ago that I would give you a Stargate SG-1 dissertation, and the time has come. First, though, a recap of the series. The dissertation will arrive later.

Season One: 1997-1998
Key Enemy: Goa’uld, System Lord Apophis, Hathor
Best Episode: There But For the Grace of God
Synopsis: The Stargate, hidden deep in Cheyenne Mountain in Colorado, reawakens and three US soldiers are killed, one is captured by Apophis. Lt. Col. Jack O’Neill is recalled to activity duty and sent to retrieve Daniel Jackson, an archaeologist who was left on Abydos in the film version. Jackson reveals that the Stargate is capable of travel to multiple planets, a shock to the Earth team. Jackson’s wife is eventually captured by Apophis and become his queen. O’Neill’s friend, Skara, is also captured and turned into the Goa’uld Klorel. The Jaffa warrior Teal’c joins SG-1, and his mentor Bra’tac allies himself with Earth. Jackson is transported to an alternate reality where Earth is under Goa’uld attack. He witnesses the brutality of the Goa’uld, and is able to obtain the gate address the Goa’uld attacked from. Jackson returned to our universe and leads SG-1 to Apophis’s vessel, where the Stargate is housed.

Season Two: 1998-1999
Key Enemy: Goa’uld, Apophis, Hathor
Best Episode(s): Tok’ra I, Tok’ra II
Synopsis: SG-1 sabotages the Goa’uld attack fleet and escape, barely. Jackson is wounded, but survives. SG-1 finally makes contact with the Tok’ra, a group of Goa’uld who stand against the System Lords. Carter’s dying father agrees to bond with the Tok’ra Selmac, becoming a key figure in the Tok’ra resistance. On a later mission, the wormhole goes through a solar flare, causing the gate to reconnect on Earth; only the year is 1969, not 1999. They meet a younger General Hammond (pre-General days), and learn how they were cast so far back in time. Some calculations are done by Carter, and the team goes forward in time, to the year 2069. A bit later they re-return to 1999. The season finale revealed that the team had been killed, except for Jack. He awakens after being frozen for many years. It’s a trap, though, sprung by Hathor. The team is still alive, and they have been captured by the Goa’uld queen.

Season Three: 1999-2000
Key Enemy: Goa’uld, Apophis
Best Episode: Rules of Engagement, Pretense
Synopsis: Hathor falls in the first episode, leaving Apophis as top dog once more. SG-1 deals with the System Lord Seth (Sethesh), and continues to gather intelligence on the Goa’uld. Skara is freed from Klorel in a ceremony called Triad. The Goa’uld Zipacna argues that a Goa’uld has eminent right to the body it possesses. Daniel and Jack stand in Skara’s defense, and eventually win the day. The Asgard Thor reports that the Replicators are gaining strength. Thor’s ship is taken by Replicators intent on conquering Earth. SG-1 stops them by blowing up Thor’s ship as it enters the atmosphere. Some Replicators, however, survive the blast.

Season Four: 2000–2001
Key Enemy: Goa’uld, Apophis, Replicators, Sokar
Best Episode: Window of Opportunity
Synopsis: The Replicator threat continues to grow, and the race promises to be a bane to SG-1 for years. Apophis regains his strength as a System Lord. As he rallies the wayward Jaffa, Apophis reveals even more weaponry, including a mother ship that is far larger than any ship the Goa’uld have ever shown. He chases SG-1 throughout the universe, and Carter sadly announces that, even in hyperspace, it would take SG-1 over a thousand years to reach Earth.

Season Five: 2001–2002
Key Enemy: Goa’uld, Anubis, Replicators
Best Episode: Meridian
Synopsis: SG-1 attempts to commandeer Apophis’s mother ship, but the Replicators beat them to it. They little robots upgrade the hyperdrive and head for Sokar’s home world. SG-1 sabotages the ship, keeping it from properly slowing down. The ship crashes, killing Apophis. He is quickly replaced, however, by Anubis, an ancient and feared System Lord who is half-ascended. Jackson attends a summit of the System Lords, where it is voted on allowing Anubis to once more hold the rank of System Lord. Jackson reports his findings to the team. Later, SG-1 travels to a world almost as advanced as Earth. They meet Jonas Quinn, and learn that Jonas’s people are developing nuclear weaponry. There is an accident, and Daniel Jackson is hit with a large dose of radiation. He succumbs to the radiation, but ascends rather than dies.

Season Six: 2002–2003
Key Enemy: Goa’uld, Anubis, Replicators
Best Episode: Full Circle
Synopsis: Still dealing with the death of Daniel Jackson, SG-1 welcomes new member Jonas Quinn. Anubis continues to wreak havoc throughout the galaxy, crushing System Lords and uniting the Goa’uld under his own banner. Quinn takes over Daniel Jackson’s work, and learns that there is a lost city of the Ancients. The search for the lost city is interrupted by Anubis’s hunt for the Eye of Ra, a powerful weapon capable of decimating planets. The hunt leads SG-1 to Abydos, where the ascended Daniel Jackson appears to the whole team in order to hunt for the weapon. Eventually Anubis gains the weapon and duels with Daniel, but Jackson is torn from battle by Oma Desala. They help the Abydosians ascend rapidly, as Anubis destroys the planet. SG-1 returns and learns of their fate from the ascended Skara.

Season Seven: 2003–2004
Key Enemy: Goa’uld, Anubis, Replicators
Best Episode(s): Heroes I, Heroes II
Synopsis: Daniel Jackson, freshly descended, returns, with no memory at all. He quickly relearns everything and rejoins SG-1. The search for the lost city continues, as SG-1 believes that the lost city, Atlantis, will house a stockpile of Ancient weapons. A documentary maker from the Air Force arrives at Cheyenne Mountain to document the SGC in action. During filming, some SG teams fall under attack. Dr. Fraser is killed in the battle. Jackson believes he has located the lost city, but when they arrive, they find an Ancient database. Jack once again takes in the Ancient knowledge, and leads the team on a bit of a chase to the Antarctic outpost, where Jack activates an Ancient weapon and helps stop Anubis, who has launched an attack on the outpost. Jack, his mind ravaged by the Ancient knowledge, freezes himself until a solution can be found.

Season Eight: 2004–2005
Key Enemy: Goa’uld, Anubis, Replicators
Best Episode(s): Reckoning I, Reckoning II, Threads, Moebius I, Moebius II
Synopsis: After the horrific battle with Anubis in Antarctica, SG-1 regroups. Jack is defrosted by Thor in time to build an anti-Replicator weapon and stop the Replicator Fifth, but the new Replicator Carter replaces him. O’Neil takes control of the SGC. Anubis rejoins the fray, having been defeated but not destroyed. The rebellious Jaffa warriors take the homeworld Dakara and cause the remaining System Lords much grief. Anubis plans to take control of the Ancient weapon on Dakara to eliminate all life in the Milky Way. Carter, with the reluctant help of Baal, recalibrates the weapon to destroy the Replicators only, and they dial every Stargate in the galaxy to accomplish their goals. Jackson, a captive of Replicator Carter, challenges the robot and stops her momentarily, before essentially being killed. Jackson awakes in a diner, and is offered the chance to ascend once more by Oma Desala. Only one other person in the diner recognizes or talks to Daniel, and Jackson quickly puts together the fact that said person is actually Anubis. Oma Desala finally takes Anubis and engages him in eternal war, removing him from the galaxy. Jackson returns to the SGC and helps SG-1 track down a ZPM. The only catch is, the ZPM is 5000 years in the past, under the control of Ra, who does not understand its power. The team goes back in time, changes the timeline, resets the timeline, and all is well at the end.

Season Nine: 2005-2006
Key Enemy: The Ori, Goa’uld System Lord Baal
Best Episode: Ripple Effect
Synopsis: The Goa’uld are, for all intents and purposes, defeated. SG-1 has gone their separate ways. Carter is at Area 51, Teal’c is helping to organize the Jaffa nation, Daniel Jackson is planning to move to Atlantis, and Jack O’Neill is now head of the Department of Homeworld Security. Lt. Col. Cameron Mitchell is given leadership of SG-1, and the files of all personnel to replenish the team. He refuses and gathers the old team members. A new entity, Vala Mal Doran joins the team temporarily. She and Jackson encounter the Ori, a group of ascended Ancient who, instead of withdrawing their influences from the galaxy, are forcing people to worship them. The Ori learn of the Milky Way and desire to have influence there. Vala is lost when she single-handedly stop the Ori from building a first supergate. SG-1 struggles to stop them, but the Ori eventually build a supergate, a stargate large enough to allow massive troop ships to fly through, and begin systematically taking over the Milky Way.

Season Ten: 2006-2007
Key Enemy: The Ori, Goa’uld System Lord Baal
Best Episode: 200
Synopsis: The Ori invasion becomes complicated after Vala Mal Doran reappears, pregnant. Her child is the fabled Orici, an ascended being in physical form, with all the knowledge and power of the Ori. The child, Adria, is born, and ages rapidly to about thirty years old. The Ori invasion continues, but SG-1 does win a few victories. SG-1, using a weapon devised by Merlin (an Ancient also known as Merdin, who’s mind was blended with Daniel Jackson for a while), sends the weapon to the Ori galaxy and wipes out the entire Ori species, except for Adria. Vala orchestrates a plan to capture Adria, and the plan goes off without a hitch, until Baal intervenes and takes the Orici for himself. Baal, knowing his time is limited, places himself, in Goa’uld form, into Adria, gaining the power and knowledge of the Ori, along with the knowledge of the Goa’uld. The takeover fails, though, and Baal dies. Adria, weakened by the experience chooses to ascend. SG-1 now lives with the knowledge that the Orici is now more powerful than before. The Asgard contact SG-1, saying that their failing genetics mean the race will be lost shortly, and they offer Earth all their technology. SG-1 journeys to the Asgard home world and helps to set everything up. As they leave, the last of the Ori followers attack. The Asgard planet explodes. The Ori trap SG-1 aboard the ship with the Asgard technology. Some trickery comes into play and SG-1 escapes with the new technology in tow.